Friday, March 20, 2009
Still a Daddy's Girl
I am at the time of year of my dad's journey home. I can't believe it has been almost a year. I know many of you out there have experienced the death of a parent and understand. I had no idea that there would be such a hole in my heart. I always thought that I'd be fine with it....after all I have been a hospice nurse and walked this path with others many times. I never planned on being my dad's hospice nurse though. While I wouldn't trade those last hours of my dad's life for any amount of money, they are the hours that haunt me. What could I have done differently? How could I have made him more comfortable?
There is just something inside you that feels lost with the death of a parent...Suddenly facing the world without one of your main guides...one of your first and most powerful influences. Your sense of direction... of stability... thrown off kilter. Your earthly shelter from life's storms...your favorite childhood tree now oddly fallen to the ground.
As we near Easter, I am reminded of the most special Easter of my life...last Easter when my dad made his final trip to my house. We got the CT results March 3rd and knew he didn't have long. He wanted to make one more journey, one more visit to see our new house before he died. God granted us such a gift by allowing him to feel so well that he almost didn't believe he even had cancer. He enjoyed food and visiting and talking...he sat on our back deck and told stories about his life I've never heard. Easter Sunday was a beautiful, peaceful day full of love, laughter, and memories.
A few mornings later he woke up and said that something had changed and he had to go home to die and that is what he did...surrounded by his girls...something he told us meant so much to him just a day or so before he died.
Dad told us "no snotting" when he was gone...live life to the fullest and enjoy all God's gifts, so this is what I will try to focus on.
I pray that you my friends can just bear with me as I walk through this season. I will need your love and your laughter. A few years ago I would have been too proud to ask for this, to allow this "weakness" to show, to allow myself to be vulnerable, to allow an opportunity for rejection...now I realize more than ever that life is short-a mere mist- and that some things just don't matter as much as they once did. What matters is our relationships with God, our families, and friends.
I am not an island (it has taken years for this lesson). I need each of you in my life. Thank you for the love you give me.