Friday, November 14, 2008


It is almost like going out into a soaking rain without an umbrella and getting drenched to the point that it has seeped through to your skin. You have to peel the wet clothes off and can only get warm by taking a hot shower.

If you have an umbrella you may still get a little wet, but not to the point of being soaked to your skin. When you are out of the rain, the wet spots dry quickly without residual dampness.

That is a difference in people who deal with chronic depression and those who don't. There are times we have an umbrella and times we have lost it…the umbrella that is, not our minds. Who knows what happens to the umbrella? Maybe it broke or we misplaced it. Maybe it rusted.

There are times things seep in and settle in our souls. The dampness permeates our cores until there is not a dry, comfy spot to be found. That is when the darkness surrounds us. We can’t see the light of day no matter how hard we try. Any energy we have is used up just trying to get through the day at a functional level.

This has been a challenging year for me. I have had real reasons to be sad, but not paralyzed as I have been. I am thankful my twin wasn't born with depression genes, but even she admits to being tearful at times as we grieve our dad. I don't wish him back, I just have to learn to live without him.

I don’t think I’ve had a single day that I felt “depression free”. My emotions have been raw and tenuous. There have been some days better than others, but none battle free.

As I said in an email to a friend (thank God for her and my other support peeps) I wish a thousand wishes not to battle depression. I wish a thousand wishes I was “normal”. Until I get to heaven this will be a daily battle. It could be a much worse battle...this I know.

I know my life is good. I know my life is blessed. I know God’s grace abounds. This makes my depression less understandable to me and really makes me angry. "Just get a grip you idiot!”

Oh, the conversations I have with myself. Not self healing I can tell you that.

Those of you who love me, I ask you to love me still…even when I don’t love myself. If you don’t love me… well I don’t blame you a bit. I can’t ask you to understand because I don’t understand it myself.

My only hope is in Christ. This soaking rain will pass or He will help me find my umbrella... He always does.

God's peace to you.


The Scotts said...

Hey, this is Deborah from the Philippines. I really enjoy reading your blog. Thanks for your vulnerability and sharing about your depression. As I read it last night my heart ached for you and I awoke this morning praying for you. Thanks for allowing me the privilege of praying!

Lynn Cross said...

I love you Sondie, and always will. Jesus will find a way. Love, Lynn